If your marriage didn't work out, don't feel bad, learn. We all make
mistakes. When I was in college, I lived with several different friends.
With some, I founhd that we could have a good business relationship. Each
of us paid our share of the rent, and were honest with each other about
issues. With others, we got on each other's nerves, squabbled over
insignificant matters, and were, in short, not compatible.
Too many times when a marriage ends, we feel like we have personally
failed. We weren't sexy enough, patient enough, or interesting enough to
keep our spouse's attention. More often, the problem is deeper. It is not
a question of fault, but priorities. If your goals and needs aren't the
same, you may not be able to work things out.
If your attitude toward money is save for the future, and don't spend too
much now, you will have problems with someone who doesn't mind using a
credit card for immediate pleasure. Some people don't worry about being in
debt. Others can't sleep at night knowing they owe money for something
they no longer have.
Different discussion styles can also contribute to marital tension. If you
like a good quiet talk, and your partner doesn't take a loud argument
personally, you are bound to have your feelings hurt. He / she may carry
on at the top of his / her lungs, and then feel like the air is cleared,
and life can go back to normal. Meanwhile, you may feel like you've been
dragged over the coals, and feel that nothing can be settled until you
recieve an apology.
Housework is another area where differences can lead to marital discord.
Some people want the dishes to be clean almost as soon as the meal is
finished. One of my roommates was like that. She would be clearing the
table when I was still chewing my last mouthful of dinner. I didn't mind
if dishes piled up for a couple days, and didn't understand why she'd get
upset if I had a bowl of cottage cheese and rushed off to class without
washing my bowl and fork. Even now, I maintain that neither of us was
wrong, our comfort zones were just different.
It is possible for a couple to adjust to each other's idiosincracies. The
person who who doesn't feel comfortable unless the house is spic and span
may end up doing more of the housework. The partner who is a better cook
may end up preparing most of the meals. A yeller may learn to tone his /
her enthusiasm down to make a quieter spouse more comfortable discussing
differences.
Compromise is possible. However, if it doesn't happen, you may have to
find someone who is a better fit. for you. We can't do anything to change
another person. They have to want to change, and to have that desire, they
have to have insentive. Hopefully, your relationship will be enough. But,
if it isn't, you shouldn't be too hard on yourself. Picking up the pieces
may not be easy, but it can be done.
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